Is there life after marriage?
Dear Mama Jen,
I have been with my husband for three years now. We’ve been married for one year. And I’m bored. The romance is simply not there. We do the things that need doing, make our home. But there’s not much excitement in any of it. It’s not that I don’t love him. He is a great man that I love a lot. But that fun spark that used to be there isn’t there anymore. Where did it go? Have the good times passed us? Are we destined for a life without fun?
Settled
Dear Settled,
Oh dear! It sounds like you’ve fallen for the most classic blunder of any long term relationship- routine. As people spend more and more time with each other, they get comfortable. They develop patterns. They do the same thing over and over again until the path is well-worn from years of travel into what can be called a rut- both in this metaphor’s imagery and in use of the noun as defined by merriam-webster.com:
Main Entry: rut
Function: noun
1 a : a track worn by a wheel or by habitual passage b : a groove in which something runs
2 : a usual or fixed practice; especially : a monotonous routine <fall easily into a conversational rut>
Don’t worry! The nice thing about ruts is that they are pretty easy to escape once you see them. What is it that you find yourself doing everyday with your husband? Do you both get home and turn on the TV right away? Skip it for a night. Does he cook while you clean? Offer to switch for a night. It’s as easy as not doing what you normally do.
The one dangerous things about ruts, the reason we worry about them so, it that it’s easy to feel over-looked when you are in one. It’s as though it is taken for granted that you will do what you normally do. On top of doing something different, I would advise that you also stop for a moment, gaze lovingly into your husband’s eyes, and remind him that you appreciate him. I would bet that he returns the favor (if not, there’s nothing wrong with a little prodding til he acknowledges it). There’s nothing wrong with wanting (needing) a little appreciation in your life.
In the end, the two of you together are in charge of keeping your married life from getting boring. It doesn’t take crazy stunts like skydiving or bungee jumping. What it takes is spending a little time not just next to, but with the other person in your life, and appreciating the time that they’ve given for you.
Besides, bungee jumping everyday for excitement would get down-right boring!
