The ettiquet of intentions

Dear Mama Jen,

I am in a very steady relationship. However, every once in a while, I meet a man who seems to be interested in me. I am not sure if they are flirting with me or just being nice guys. I attribute my confusion to when I was in high school. I was very very shy and became flustered when boys would talk to me. They would end up getting a rude response from me to cover my shyness. I don’t want to be rude to men, but I don’t want to lead them on either. What do I do?

Hopelessly devoted to only one

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

It can be really hard to tell if someone is flirting with you, hitting on you, or just plain being nice. When someone says “gosh you’re pretty,” what is their intention? Are they looking to get into your pants? Are they playing the flirting game just for the sake of being flirtatious? Or maybe they just want to deliver a compliment? To be honest, it doesn’t matter. Whatever their intentions, you have a right to feel comfortable and safe in your surroundings. If someone says something to you that makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to tell them so.

“Rude” is a very subjective term. Something that would be considered rude by one person or in a certain situation may be tactful with someone else or in a different place. I have been know to call my best friends pretty colorful terms that I would never dream of using with an executive of an important company. And those same friends would enjoy being called names at and informal gathering, but my take offence if I used those same terms at their spouse’s funeral.

Since “rude” can be situational, it may be best to start with understanding the situation. What are their intentions? You don’t know? Ask them. Yes, I realise this is easier said than done. There are many ways you can ask the question, and some of those ways can be very rude. But the don’t have to be. Remember that asking “what are your intentions” or “what do you mean” is much different than asking “what’s your problem, jerk-face?”

Once you know what their intentions are, you can then decide how to handle the situation. If they’re giving a compliment, “thank you” is always a safe response. If they are trying to get in your pants, “no thank you” is also rather harmless while still getting your needs across. If they are flirtatious by nature, you can decide for yourself if you want them to continue or not. Each individual looks at flirting differently and how it fits in with their relationship, and only you can tell if it’s an amusing pastime or simply not your cup of tea. If it’s your thing, then have at. But if it’s not, try “I know you didn’t mean to, but your flirting makes me uncomfortable. Could you tone it down a bit?”

Most importantly, remember that you are allowed to feel emotionally safe, even if what you say does end up being construed as rude. You are allowed to express your needs, and if someone else can’t handle it, if they call you names or push back, well, name-calling is a little rude, don’t you think?

This letter originally posted to the previous MamaJenAdvice blog.