Poly-Mono Relationship

Dear MamaJen,

How does one make a long distant poly-mono relationship work? I’m polyamorous. He’s monogamous. But we want to be together. But I’m with other people and he wants no one but me. He doesn’t want to ask me to give up being poly because he feels it’s something I have to willingly give. I don’t want to make him be something that he’s not.

Poly-Anna

Dear Poly-Anna,

Being in a relationship, ANY relationship, requires people to be honest with themselves about what they need in a relationship, and requires the people involved to be honest with each other about those needs. This is much harder than it looks. We are constantly bombarded with “you shoulds” and “thou shants”- everyone has an opinion on what a person should need and be. Being able to sort through those and get to the core of who you are can be difficult at best.

At the risk of sounding unsupportive, I have to tell you that this sounds hopeless. If he has told you that his needs are different than your needs, I really don’t see how you can reconcile that with your lifestyle. However, I am unclear if he stated that he needs you to be monogomous with him, or if that’s what you are reading into the situation because of his choice to be monogomous.

Let me ask you these questions:
-Are you okay with him only being with you?
-Is he okay with you being with multiple people?
-Do you trust those answers?

I ask the third because it sounds like maybe he has told you it is fine for you to have multiple amorous relationships, but you don’t believe he is fine with it. This actually goes beyond how many people you are with. Trust is a necessary ingrediant in any relationship- trusting a person to not only be honest with you, but to be honest with themselves. If that trust isn’t there, the relationship will fail, no matter how many people are or aren’t involved.

This letter originally posted to the previous MamaJenAdvice blog.