Do I need a needy friend?

Dear Mama Jen,

My question is at what point and how do I let go of a former good friend? There is a person in my life who drives me absolutely crazy but I remain friends with her because “it’s the right thing to do.” We became friends when we lived in the same dorm in college and even then she was a little odd, but in a good humored way. We had a lot of fun in our college days and formed a really great bond.

However life has changed quite a bit in the 8 years we have known each other and she has become increasingly needy, depressed, self-focused and occasionally suicidal. She has told me I am now the only friend she has and the only one she talks to about these things, which puts a lot of unhealthy guilt and pressure on me. She is no longer capable of caring about my life and instead whines about how much hers sucks and how depressed she is, so then I worry about her — which is exactly what she seems to want me to do. I’m exhausted before I even pick up the phone to talk with her and the last thing I want to do is be an enabler. It is no longer a two-way friendship, and frankly not even a friendship at all. I have had several very serious conversations with her in the past two years about getting into professional counseling and thankfully after a lot of hard work on my end she is finally seeing someone. Her preoccupied and prideful husband is also finally realizing the seriousness of her situation, so now I can trust that she’s in a safer place and getting some help from people other than me.
I’ve been able to form some space between us lately which has been wonderful. She has left several voicemails and emails for me this week – saying she wants to talk about her crappy life again – and I’m conflicted over how much contact to have with her. I still really care about her but I really can’t carry her any more. I know it may sound mean to leave a friendship when someone “needs you,” but I cannot be her counselor, her husband or her mother, no matter how much she wants me to be.

The tricky part is we know as women that boyfriends will come and go, and we’re prepared for that by movies, magazines and self-help aisles. But your girl friends are supposed to last forever — or so I used to think. I’m at the point where I need to release her to the jungle of life. Do you agree this is the right thing to do? How can I let her go gently when she is already so fragile?

It’s Not Me, It’s You

Dear It’s Not Me,

To be honest, I think you already have a pretty good clue as to what’s going on in this situation. I just don’t think you’ve found exactly the right words yet to make the connections so you can move on.

Your desire to help your friend is admirable, and we can all fall into some rough times where we need to lean on our friends a little bit more than they lean on us. These difficult times happen, but they should also be temporary. If you find that you are continually helping the same person, that they are draining you, making you tired, leaving you feeling like you just survived something, then your needs are not being met. And if your needs are not being met, how are you supposed to help meet her needs?

You elluded to the popular saying “Boyfriends come and go, but girlfriends are forever,” but I feel that a friend is forever only as long as you are both being friends to each other. Honestly, I always found this saying a teeny bit sexist. Let me ask this: if your friend were a guy that you were dating, would you still be dating her? Would you keep going out with a someone who left you feeling drained, who you made your insides curl up in anxiousness when you saw their name pop up on caller ID? No? Then why are you still going out with this person?

Reading the past couple of paragraphs, it almost sounds like I’m completely against this person being your friend. I am not, as long as she is being as good a friend to you as you are to her. You asked about letting her go gently, but I don’t think the situation is as harsh as ‘letting her go.’ You don’t actually need to cut this person entirely out of your life unless you chose to do so. What you do need to do is establish your needs, where your the boundaries are, and then stand by those needs, at risk of offending your friend, and even at risk of losing the friendship.

Tell this friend that you are feeling very drained right now, that you need to take a step back from everything and just take care of yourself. You don’t need to blame, in fact, with as unstable as your friend sounds right now, I would try to make it as non-threatening as possible. But make sure she understands that you need your space for a while. And then take it.

This letter originally posted to the previous MamaJenAdvice blog.