Can I date without the potential of happily ever after?

Dear Mama Jen,

I am the divorced father of one. I do not have custody and since my ex-wife moved out of the state, I only have infrequent visitation. I start withthis information, not because my question pertains to it, but because I am dating again and this seems to be important data for likely dating partners.

But my question is this: Can I date without the potential of happily ever after? I mean, if it happens it happens, but I just don’t feel the potential in me anymore. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. It has been a few years since my divorce and I have dated on a number of occasions, but have stepped back once it starts to become a relationship. I just can’t seem to put my heart out there again. Is it unfair for me tocontinue dating under these circumstances? I like physical affection and emotional intimacy, but don’t trust longevity. To quote, “Dating is prearrangement with potential.” Am I taking dating too lightly or do other
people take dating to seriously?

Burnt Short Timer

Dear Burnt Short Timer,

Dating is risky business. As you quoted in your letter, dating has a lot to do with potential. But where there is a potential for great joy, there is also a potential for great pain. To add to this, everyone takes dating at their own pace and plays the dating game with their own rules. There is no one right way to date- No wonder it’s so hard to win! There are some wrong ways to date, however. Let me offer some guidelines to avoid potential pain..

-You should know what you want out of dating. Do you want emotional stability, or do you have more intellectually based standards? Are you looking for someone to share a bed with, or are you looking for happily ever after? This does take some being honest with yourself about what your needs and values are.. much easier said than done. But you can’t go out looking for someone to meet your needs if you don’t know what those needs are.

-Be honest with the person you’re dating about what you want. The most common complaint I hear from both men and women is that they are expected to be mind readers. You can’t expect someone to meet your needs if you don’t tell them what your needs are.

-Make a decision to follow the rules, or don’t play the game. This may sound harsh, but it’s key to successful dating. You need to follow your own rules, and you need to follow the rules of the other player(s). If someone’s rules are unrealistic for you, do not play the game. I don’t care how perfect he/she is- if they need someone who will sacrifice kittens on the full moon, and that just isn’t your thing, admit to them (and yourself) that you are unable to play their game. It is simply unfair to say you’re going to play by someone else’s rules and then not follow through on it.

Can you date without looking for something long-term? Yes. But I would add that it sounds as though you are still working through some pain associated with your ex-wife and child. I won’t tell you to get over it, and I won’t coddle you.. your healing will happen on it’s own time, and you have to work with your needs as they exist. But I would also urge you to make sure that you remain open to the possibility of these needs changing as you grow and (hopefully) heal from your past.

This letter originally posted to the previous MamaJenAdvice blog.