Dear MamaJen,
My stupid (now ex)boyfriend gave me herpes! I feel so gross, like nobody will ever want me again. What do I do now?
-Unwanted
Dear Unwanted,
Let me first start off by saying “Hoy crap is that a shitty thing to do to someone!” To have a disease, or put yourself into a position where you could catch such a disease, and knowingly put someone in danger of catching that disease or possible disease without their knowledge of that danger is selfish, disgusting, and absolutely reprehensible. I am angry on your behalf.
Also, good job on no longer being with this sorry excuse for a person. I know someone who stayed with the person who did this same thing to her, because who else would want her? Congratulations on knowing that you have worth beyond this. That is a very gross and awful thing that was done to you, but that does not make YOU gross an awful. Sometimes, shitty people do shitty things to others. Do not let the horrible thing that was done to you define you as an unworthy person under any terms.
The really difficult part about this situation is that there is no cure. There is treatment available, which will reduce the length and symptoms of an out break, reduce the number of outbreaks, and reduce the likelihood of passing on the virus. You will want to consult with a doctor over all the ins and outs of Herpes, and what you can do to help prevent spread of the virus with future partners.
Yes, this does mean that you do not have to resign yourself to a future of loneliness. You do have to be responsible and forthcoming about your disease with others, and yes, there will be some that do not want to risk possible infection. And there will be some that will judge you based off of the disease. This is an unfortunate truth.
But it’s not an entire truth. There will also be people who accept this about you. There will be others who may already be infected, and so it becomes less of an issue. And there will be people that want you despite the possible risk.
The better people of the world will want you for who you are. And you are not a disease. That scumbag jerk-wad of an ex-boyfriend, however… him and people like him that share his dishonesty are a disease in this world that is truly unwanted.
No advice this week. Apparently, Mama Jen has solved all the world’s problems already.
Questions for next week can be submitted to mamajenadvice@gmail.com.
Have a nice week!
Dear Mama Jen
I’m currently dating a girl outside my race (I’m white, she’s Hispanic). Things are starting to get serious and I want to introduce her to my parents but there’s one problem. They won’t stop cracking Mexican jokes whenever I talk about her! I’ve mentioned that Mexican jokes may make her uncomfortable since she’s, um, Mexican but they insist it’s all in fun and there’s no underlying racism behind it. Family is very important to me and I want my girlfriend to meet them but not if they’re just going to insult her and embarrass me. What should I do?
Worried
Dear Worried,
One of the best and worst things about humor is that it’s subjective. Something you find hysterical, I might find amusing at best. Something I find clever, you might find offensive. And something one person finds harmless, another may find hurtful.
We have a society that has decided terms and words that are “politically correct” in an effort to protect people from being unintentionally hurt from words or comments they may find offensive. And if we follow these PC terms, we are in the right, and anyone who doesn’t is wrong. And societally speaking, this is true.
I don’t want to make any assumptions, but I’m curious if you’ve asked your girlfriend if she finds Mexican jokes offensive or not. Because individuals are not the rest of society, and someone may surprise you with what they find offensive and not. It’s possible this has already been discussed and she has already told you that this is a deal breaker for her. And I would not deny her the right to be hurt over having her heritage marginalized. But I would also advise you not to assume if it hasn’t been talked about. It’s possible she may have a sense of humor about other people’s ignorance.
What bothers me more than your family telling racist jokes is your family’s dismissive attitude towards your concerns. That they would tell you that you have no right to be worried is unfair to you and your opinions. That they would continue when you have voiced your difficulties with it is more telling of a disconnect in respect that what words they have used.
In the end, the only person who can decide whether or not your girlfriend would be insulted by your parents words is your girlfriend. Talk to her about it, explain that you do not want her insulted, and ask her if she would want to meet your parents under those conditions. If the answer is a very valid no, then tell your parents that. And if they get offended, be sure to point out the hypocrisy and make a joke out of it.
Dear MamaJen,
I own a website dedicated to women and their journey through life. The heart of the site is our forums where we are able to share our joys and concerns with each other in a safe and compassionate environment. It started because I don’t have a lot of friends locally and am alone a lot of the time. A few ladies I knew online were having the same problem so we created a website that I now own and operate. My problem is that I don’t have a lot of extra money for advertising, and while the few of us that are active are very close and love having our website it just isn’t active enough for the cost. I don’t want to have to close the site down because it is so important to us few who use it. How do I get our name out there and get more members without having to pay money?
-Memberless
Dear Memberless,
Let me first give credit to my following advice. I used to work for a company that built and maintained websites. Part of the services we offered there was advertising space on these websites. And of the various jobs I had there, I spent about 2-3 years doing sales programming and ad trafficking.
All that being said, I do not have a degree in marketing. Although I have some experience in web advertising, I cannot claim to have any background on selling theory or marketing strategy. What I am advising is based on my experience during those 2-3 years, and my attempts at marketing my own online ventures.
Lets throw about some basic marketing terms, shall we?
- Logo a logo is an image, letter, design that symbolizes your product.
- Product what you are selling.
- Branding the promotion of a product through association via it’s brand.
Let’s review branding for a moment. When you think of getting some fast food, what restaurant (and I use that term loosely) first jumps out in your mind? Likely, that restaurant would be McDonald’s. They have made themselves almost synonymous with “fast food.” They did that through branding; making their brand the first one you associate with their product.
Well done, McDonald’s. But how did they do it? Gold. I don’t just mean the money thrown into advertising, although that certainly didn’t hurt. But I am also referring here to the great logo; those majestic golden arches. That symbol that represents Happy Meals and red-haired clowns. That symbol that has been plastered from one side of television to another… on benches, on billboards, on broadcasts.
And yes, on the internet.
One does not simply advertise on the internet. The internet is a network, and as such, you can’t simply build a page or a site and expect that people will know about it. you have to have links to it from other pages, by hook or by crook.
Let’s take a look at “by crook” first. Here are some more marketing terms, this time in relation to internet advertising.
- CPI- cost per impression. An impression is when a logo, ad, or something product related appears on a site (making a subconscious impression on the user). Cost per impression would be how much you pay for each time an impression is made (how much you pay for each time your ad is displayed).
- CPM- cost per thousand impressions. Because subliminal messaging only works through repetition, CPM is the standard impression purchasing unit.
- CPC- Cost per click-through. Just what it sounds like- how much you pay when someone clicks on your ad.
Almost all ads on the web are in units of CPM. The goal of internet advertising is not to get someone to go to your site. Have you ever gone to McDonald’s site? No. I’m not even certain they HAVE a site. Yet you purchase their burgers because your brain has been accosted by thousands of impressions of McDonald’s golden arches telling you that fast food IS McDonald’s.
People pay a lot of money for this kind of subliminal messaging. Because it works.
The less mainstream, not ad based, and thus free way to promote something is by word of mouth. The mouth on the internet is big and gossipy, if you tap into all the gossipy sites. And by gossipy sites, I mean social networking.
Facebook allows pages to be created. Twitter lets you post links. Blogs let you talk about your product. For all of these, you will need readers (or followers and fans). You will need people willing to buy into your product, and in doing so, be more likely to talk about and discuss your product. Web rings (groups of internet sites joined by a common theme that promote each other) are a good way of getting people to the site to start possible conversations. Cross promotion (wherein you post a link to a site that has in turn posted a link to your site) is another good way of doing this. People naturally trust places they have already chosen to be, and that trust will carry over to sites their trusted sites trust.
Unfortunately, there is only one good way for this to get started in any of the above listed ways of getting the word out to others. You have to be the first to talk about it.
If you believe in your product, it’s not such a big deal. But it’s somewhat reminiscent of religious people who knocks door to door, asking if you’ve heard of their system of worship. No one wants to be that annoying person on the front stoop. No one likes the narcissistic horn blower constantly talking about themselves and their products. No one wants to be a salesman.
But if you don’t sell it, who’s going to sell it for you?
Dear MamaJen,
You’ve always given good advice that I’ve noticed. My antidepressant causes me to lose time, if I have even three beers. Do you have any suggestions?
Depressed Beer Lover
Dear Depressed,
Let me start this by saying that I am not a doctor, I am in no way medically trained, and that I do not have any kind of legal authority or backing in giving out medical advice. Anything that I say from this point on had no educational backing, and is only based on my own experiences, both personal and second hand.
I know a lot of people that take medicine for clinical depression. I have seen people with very good experiences right off the bat, and people that have taken many tries to get to the right drug for them. And I know a few that were able to not need drugs after a certain amount of counseling.
I am not perfect; I have ridden the medication roller coaster. And much of that was mis-diagnosis. First, I was treated for depression, which went poorly. Then I was treated for bi-polar, which went better, but never felt right. I was still uncomfortable, and the side effects really messed with my system and life-style. So I stopped.
I became difficult to be around. I lost friends. I didn’t like myself. But most importantly, I didn’t like the parent I had become. Eventually I was diagnosed with anxiety problems, and counseling got me to a decent place, but I was still not very content. I still had moments of overwhelming helplessness and times of total panic.
It was pretty much an accident that I found the right medication for me. I went in for one problem, and the doctor prescribed a medication for that issue, that also happened to be a low level anti-depressant and anti-anxiety.
And then my world improved greatly. I liked myself, my fiance noted the difference, and I have better enjoyed my son. The medication I’m on is one that takes a toll on the liver, and I simply choose not to drink. Then again, I’ve never been a very hard-core drinker, so that one wasn’t a hard choice for me.
Are antidepressant necessary? Well, for whom? I know that when I accidentally miss a dose, I am much worse for the wear the next couple of days. I’m afraid and snappish and no fun to be around. Is that the case for you? Only your doctor, your loved ones, and your own experience can help you answer this question.
I do recommend that you see a doctor about these concerns. I think “mixing medications” is a valid concern, especially if you are a connoisseur of brewed beverages. And that if that doctor doesn’t take you seriously, go to the next. You deserve happiness. Isn’t that the point?
Dear Mama Jen,
I have been with my husband for three years now. We’ve been married for one year. And I’m bored. The romance is simply not there. We do the things that need doing, make our home. But there’s not much excitement in any of it. It’s not that I don’t love him. He is a great man that I love a lot. But that fun spark that used to be there isn’t there anymore. Where did it go? Have the good times passed us? Are we destined for a life without fun?
Settled
Dear Settled,
Oh dear! It sounds like you’ve fallen for the most classic blunder of any long term relationship- routine. As people spend more and more time with each other, they get comfortable. They develop patterns. They do the same thing over and over again until the path is well-worn from years of travel into what can be called a rut- both in this metaphor’s imagery and in use of the noun as defined by merriam-webster.com:
Main Entry: rut
Function: noun
1 a : a track worn by a wheel or by habitual passage b : a groove in which something runs
2 : a usual or fixed practice; especially : a monotonous routine <fall easily into a conversational rut>
Don’t worry! The nice thing about ruts is that they are pretty easy to escape once you see them. What is it that you find yourself doing everyday with your husband? Do you both get home and turn on the TV right away? Skip it for a night. Does he cook while you clean? Offer to switch for a night. It’s as easy as not doing what you normally do.
The one dangerous things about ruts, the reason we worry about them so, it that it’s easy to feel over-looked when you are in one. It’s as though it is taken for granted that you will do what you normally do. On top of doing something different, I would advise that you also stop for a moment, gaze lovingly into your husband’s eyes, and remind him that you appreciate him. I would bet that he returns the favor (if not, there’s nothing wrong with a little prodding til he acknowledges it). There’s nothing wrong with wanting (needing) a little appreciation in your life.
In the end, the two of you together are in charge of keeping your married life from getting boring. It doesn’t take crazy stunts like skydiving or bungee jumping. What it takes is spending a little time not just next to, but with the other person in your life, and appreciating the time that they’ve given for you.
Besides, bungee jumping everyday for excitement would get down-right boring!
Dear MamaJen,
How does one make a long distant poly-mono relationship work? I’m polyamorous. He’s monogamous. But we want to be together. But I’m with other people and he wants no one but me. He doesn’t want to ask me to give up being poly because he feels it’s something I have to willingly give. I don’t want to make him be something that he’s not.
Poly-Anna
Dear Poly-Anna,
Being in a relationship, ANY relationship, requires people to be honest with themselves about what they need in a relationship, and requires the people involved to be honest with each other about those needs. This is much harder than it looks. We are constantly bombarded with “you shoulds” and “thou shants”- everyone has an opinion on what a person should need and be. Being able to sort through those and get to the core of who you are can be difficult at best.
At the risk of sounding unsupportive, I have to tell you that this sounds hopeless. If he has told you that his needs are different than your needs, I really don’t see how you can reconcile that with your lifestyle. However, I am unclear if he stated that he needs you to be monogomous with him, or if that’s what you are reading into the situation because of his choice to be monogomous.
Let me ask you these questions:
-Are you okay with him only being with you?
-Is he okay with you being with multiple people?
-Do you trust those answers?
I ask the third because it sounds like maybe he has told you it is fine for you to have multiple amorous relationships, but you don’t believe he is fine with it. This actually goes beyond how many people you are with. Trust is a necessary ingrediant in any relationship- trusting a person to not only be honest with you, but to be honest with themselves. If that trust isn’t there, the relationship will fail, no matter how many people are or aren’t involved.
This letter originally posted to the previous MamaJenAdvice blog.
Dear Mama Jen,
My question is at what point and how do I let go of a former good friend? There is a person in my life who drives me absolutely crazy but I remain friends with her because “it’s the right thing to do.” We became friends when we lived in the same dorm in college and even then she was a little odd, but in a good humored way. We had a lot of fun in our college days and formed a really great bond.
However life has changed quite a bit in the 8 years we have known each other and she has become increasingly needy, depressed, self-focused and occasionally suicidal. She has told me I am now the only friend she has and the only one she talks to about these things, which puts a lot of unhealthy guilt and pressure on me. She is no longer capable of caring about my life and instead whines about how much hers sucks and how depressed she is, so then I worry about her — which is exactly what she seems to want me to do. I’m exhausted before I even pick up the phone to talk with her and the last thing I want to do is be an enabler. It is no longer a two-way friendship, and frankly not even a friendship at all. I have had several very serious conversations with her in the past two years about getting into professional counseling and thankfully after a lot of hard work on my end she is finally seeing someone. Her preoccupied and prideful husband is also finally realizing the seriousness of her situation, so now I can trust that she’s in a safer place and getting some help from people other than me.
I’ve been able to form some space between us lately which has been wonderful. She has left several voicemails and emails for me this week – saying she wants to talk about her crappy life again – and I’m conflicted over how much contact to have with her. I still really care about her but I really can’t carry her any more. I know it may sound mean to leave a friendship when someone “needs you,” but I cannot be her counselor, her husband or her mother, no matter how much she wants me to be.
The tricky part is we know as women that boyfriends will come and go, and we’re prepared for that by movies, magazines and self-help aisles. But your girl friends are supposed to last forever — or so I used to think. I’m at the point where I need to release her to the jungle of life. Do you agree this is the right thing to do? How can I let her go gently when she is already so fragile?
It’s Not Me, It’s You
Dear It’s Not Me,
To be honest, I think you already have a pretty good clue as to what’s going on in this situation. I just don’t think you’ve found exactly the right words yet to make the connections so you can move on.
Your desire to help your friend is admirable, and we can all fall into some rough times where we need to lean on our friends a little bit more than they lean on us. These difficult times happen, but they should also be temporary. If you find that you are continually helping the same person, that they are draining you, making you tired, leaving you feeling like you just survived something, then your needs are not being met. And if your needs are not being met, how are you supposed to help meet her needs?
You elluded to the popular saying “Boyfriends come and go, but girlfriends are forever,” but I feel that a friend is forever only as long as you are both being friends to each other. Honestly, I always found this saying a teeny bit sexist. Let me ask this: if your friend were a guy that you were dating, would you still be dating her? Would you keep going out with a someone who left you feeling drained, who you made your insides curl up in anxiousness when you saw their name pop up on caller ID? No? Then why are you still going out with this person?
Reading the past couple of paragraphs, it almost sounds like I’m completely against this person being your friend. I am not, as long as she is being as good a friend to you as you are to her. You asked about letting her go gently, but I don’t think the situation is as harsh as ‘letting her go.’ You don’t actually need to cut this person entirely out of your life unless you chose to do so. What you do need to do is establish your needs, where your the boundaries are, and then stand by those needs, at risk of offending your friend, and even at risk of losing the friendship.
Tell this friend that you are feeling very drained right now, that you need to take a step back from everything and just take care of yourself. You don’t need to blame, in fact, with as unstable as your friend sounds right now, I would try to make it as non-threatening as possible. But make sure she understands that you need your space for a while. And then take it.
This letter originally posted to the previous MamaJenAdvice blog.
Dear Mama Jen,
I am in a very steady relationship. However, every once in a while, I meet a man who seems to be interested in me. I am not sure if they are flirting with me or just being nice guys. I attribute my confusion to when I was in high school. I was very very shy and became flustered when boys would talk to me. They would end up getting a rude response from me to cover my shyness. I don’t want to be rude to men, but I don’t want to lead them on either. What do I do?
Hopelessly devoted to only one
Dear Hopelessly Devoted,
It can be really hard to tell if someone is flirting with you, hitting on you, or just plain being nice. When someone says “gosh you’re pretty,” what is their intention? Are they looking to get into your pants? Are they playing the flirting game just for the sake of being flirtatious? Or maybe they just want to deliver a compliment? To be honest, it doesn’t matter. Whatever their intentions, you have a right to feel comfortable and safe in your surroundings. If someone says something to you that makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to tell them so.
“Rude” is a very subjective term. Something that would be considered rude by one person or in a certain situation may be tactful with someone else or in a different place. I have been know to call my best friends pretty colorful terms that I would never dream of using with an executive of an important company. And those same friends would enjoy being called names at and informal gathering, but my take offence if I used those same terms at their spouse’s funeral.
Since “rude” can be situational, it may be best to start with understanding the situation. What are their intentions? You don’t know? Ask them. Yes, I realise this is easier said than done. There are many ways you can ask the question, and some of those ways can be very rude. But the don’t have to be. Remember that asking “what are your intentions” or “what do you mean” is much different than asking “what’s your problem, jerk-face?”
Once you know what their intentions are, you can then decide how to handle the situation. If they’re giving a compliment, “thank you” is always a safe response. If they are trying to get in your pants, “no thank you” is also rather harmless while still getting your needs across. If they are flirtatious by nature, you can decide for yourself if you want them to continue or not. Each individual looks at flirting differently and how it fits in with their relationship, and only you can tell if it’s an amusing pastime or simply not your cup of tea. If it’s your thing, then have at. But if it’s not, try “I know you didn’t mean to, but your flirting makes me uncomfortable. Could you tone it down a bit?”
Most importantly, remember that you are allowed to feel emotionally safe, even if what you say does end up being construed as rude. You are allowed to express your needs, and if someone else can’t handle it, if they call you names or push back, well, name-calling is a little rude, don’t you think?
This letter originally posted to the previous MamaJenAdvice blog.
Dear Mama Jen,
My house burned down….now what do I do?
-A
Dear A,
Step 1- breath in. Step 2- breath out. Step 3- repeat. I am not trying to make light of your loss, but this is a very common coping mechanism for dealing with things that are way over your head. And trying to get a handle on all that you lost is way over your head. It would be way over anyone’s head. There is no shame in feeling helpless or overwhelmed- losing every material posession you own in a the span of a few hours is world altering, and it’s going to take a while for you to adjust and feel like you can cope.
Make sure your immediate needs are being taken care of. Do you have a place to sleep? Do you have clothes on your back and food in your belly? Toiletries and hygene products? If you have friends and/or family offering you a place to crash or some clothes to borrow, now is not the time to decline their hospitality. If you have no one you can turn to, there are many shelters and outreach programs to help- check a phone book for places you can talk to. You may need to swallow some pride and accept help for a while.
After your immediate needs are taken care of, look into the long term needs. Finding a new place to live and replacing home necessities that were lost can be taxing. You may find yourself thinking “but I had all this! It’s like I have to begin at the begining again.” I have no easy way to say this except yes, you do need to start over again. Look at what resources you do have to help you rebuild (friends, family, government/charitable assistance). If you had home-owner’s/renter’s insurance, stay on their case about getting your claim processed so you can get to replacing those basic items you never thought about needing until they were gone.
While you’re working on taking care of your physical needs, your emotions are going to be all over the place. There are 5 stages in dealing with loss and grief- Denial, Anger, Barganing, Depression, and Acceptance. You will pass through all of them at one point or another, and passing through these stages will not necessarily be a smooth transition from one to the next. You may find yourself bouncing from one stage to another, for varrying amounts of time, and sometimes seemingly going backwards. You also might not feel safe or capable. These feeling are all natural, and although it may not seem like it at the time, these feelings will pass. Acknowledge what ever emotion you are feeling, accept it as a valid feeling, and know that you will not feel that way forever.
There is no right or immediate way to heal from losing all your belongings, but healing will happen. Spend time with friends, talk to people who make you feel safe and supported. Take care of yourself as best you can, and when it all seems to be too much to handle, remember: step 1, step 2, step 3.
This letter originally posted to the previous MamaJenAdvice blog.
